It's been a while. But you know, the thing I hate most is vagueness, especially when it's caused by reticence.
For the last few years I was trying to get on with the decision to abandon this project.
It clearly wasn't like: «Ok, I have to stop it. Let's stop it right now and maybe regret later.»
Instead, it was more like being confused and constantly asking questions like:
Why should I continue working on this? How do I suppose I do it? Why did I write this music before? How?
What did I want to say? Why?
And there were no answers. And no music either.
The other side of this situation was a bunch of sketches and even a few of nearly finished tracks.
Actually, all those questions appeared when I realized that I don't understand what all those tracks and sketches should tell me or someone else.
What is it all about? Just a medley of tonal and rhythmic noises.
But no emotions, no thoughts, nothing at all. Just random sounds pretending that they are organized in some fancy way.
So, after several years of this madness I came to some kind of understanding that the only way to stop this mess is...
to stop thinking that I have to keep working on this project.
It happened... two(?) years ago.
Yeah, it was a relief. Some kind of. Though, it didn't help me to start anything new. Anything at all.
So, I decided to wait.
Yes, I didn't abandon music completely.
There was Chaoskeeper,
I made several remixes for my friends (right when I started going crazy),
and I even continued to exercise with some lo-fi stuff — just to keep doing something musical.
Oh, yes, and I kept getting some kind of musical education, I still do.
I tried numerous other things, and I even tried writing songs, huh, but... it was too silly.
But this all was not about me and my music. Actually, I have some kind of a conception, an elusive idea what it could be.
But, it seems like I'm not ready for this yet.
And there were you, the listeners waiting for some new sounds from me. Oh, of course I'm not a super-star, but I know there is some people.
That, of course, was another contributing factor — it's always a pleasure to create something if there's someone who needs it.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help, when you're stuck with questions like those I mentioned above.
Well, I'd rather say that it makes the doubts and questions more important, because adds a context transforming «anyone» into «someone».
At first, I didn't want to tell you I was abandoning Veell before I knew I was ready to create and show you something new.
But it's already two (or even more?) years, and I still don't know when it's going to happen.
So, maybe it's kind of silly of me, but I decided to do it now.
There's a reason, actually.
One day I came to an idea that for all these last years I was starting too many things and a really small amount of them were finished.
So, in the end my mind was flooded with very heavy thoughts about all those things left undone. That's kind of depressing, I have to say.
And then you try to make something new, but again you can't focus on this properly.
Because, what if you won't finish this again? — no matter why, even if it's not your fault at all.
And what with all those past things rising in your mind from time to time? — they're asking for some attention.
And you're drowning, again.
And this baggage of unfinished things becomes even larger.
So, how do you escape from this?
You finish things. At any price.
How did I know this?
I finished some of them. It worked.
I freed my mind a bit and it felt like I can finally load some new tasks in there.
Also, I got some kind of joy and happiness which transformed into some kind of mental power which I was lacking last years.
Well, this time «to finish a thing» is to tell you that I abandon Veell.
It means that I will not create any new music under this name (actually, I feel a bit disconnected with this name for the last few years).
It means that I will not try to complete all those sketches and drafts, but the good thing about it is that to «finish» them I have to share them, not to finish them as music pieces.
Luckily, some of them were recorded as demos for one label nearly 4 years ago, yesterday I found them, made a bit of polishing work (they were not recorded as multitracks, just single tracks, so please don't expect any hi-fi), and so, here they are.
Download from Bandcamp
Well. That's all I wanted to tell you today.
Be inspired. Finish things.
Feb 27, 2016